


Then My Soul Saw You

by bluestbluetoeverblue



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Canonical Character Death, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-31
Updated: 2015-12-31
Packaged: 2018-05-10 15:05:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5590798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluestbluetoeverblue/pseuds/bluestbluetoeverblue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Legend says that some people are destined to be in each others lives. Their souls are composed of dust of the same long ago exploded star and will always be drawn back towards each other, no matter the forms they take. Upon meeting, identical symbols will appear somewhere on the body of each, marking their souls as connected forever. Remus Lupin did not know how he felt about the concept.</p><p>“He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same.” ― Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights</p>
            </blockquote>





	Then My Soul Saw You

Legend says that some people are destined to be in each others lives. Their souls are composed of dust of the same long ago exploded star and will always be drawn back towards each other, no matter the forms they take. Upon meeting, identical symbols will appear somewhere on the body of each, marking their souls as connected forever. Remus Lupin did not know how he felt about the concept. Sure it was nice, the idea that there was someone out there he was meant to know, to love. But Remus doubted his chances of ever finding one for multiple reasons, and if he did find one, those reasons would be all too good at keeping them apart, so Remus figured it was safer to pretend none of it could be real.

He traveled to Hogwarts with the rest of the nervous eleven year olds, knowing his secrets would be harder to hide away from home. The Sorting Hat shouted out his house, and as he was greeted at the Gryffindor table like an old friend, Remus started to think that maybe school was not going to be as complicated as he thought. A visit with Professor Dumbledore, Professor McGonagall, and Madam Pomphrey--what a way to start the year--made Remus the last Gryffindor to enter the tower and be given a room assignment. He climbed up a set of spiral stairs and found the door to his dorm open. Inside, two boys argued over which posters would be hung up on which sides of the room while a third sat quietly watching them. Remus walked over to the bed nearest the door, where his trunk lay still locked. 

“Hi,” said the chubby blond boy from the bed behind him. The other two turned away from their argument to observe the newcomer. A wave of nostalgia hit Remus as he turned around and was bombarded by the scent of motor oil, blooming phlox, and cigarette smoke, though none of those things seemed present in the room.

“Are you our fourth, then?” asked the boy with the glasses. “You’ve met Peter, this is Sirius, and I’m James.” The boy stuck out a hand, which Remus shook meekly.

“Remus,” he said before taking a seat on his new bed. The others did not seem to notice how overwhelmed he was or if they did, they politely ignored it.

Later, Remus stood in the bath and noticed among the normal scars and bruises a small star on his hip, clear as if it had been drawn there in ink. Remus did not know what to make of it. He had just moved into a magical school full of magical people, after all. Who knew the side effects? That night, he dreamt of running through a dark forest, heart pumping from the excitement. When he woke, the room was undisturbed save James’ soft snores, and Remus had only one thing on his mind. It was just a legend, something his mother had told him as a child after he tired of Beedle and Bard. The first week of classes kept him busy, but Saturday morning he snuck out before his roommates woke and hurried to the library. 

The library. It was big and beautiful and full of countless volumes detailing anything and everything, but Remus was seeking something specific. He pulled every book he thought looked useful off the shelves and spent the morning searching through them all from the comfort of his own study carrel. Finally, he found it. The fifth chapter of the ninth book on legends he tried was titled Soulmates. Remus soaked up every word, and by the time he was done, he almost wished he hadn’t. 

His soulmate was one of the boys from the dorm? Remus could appreciate their respective attractiveness, but he had not thought of any of them in that way. Had one of them felt like that for him? He doubted it. What were the chances that one of them was even like him? Whoever it was had probably moved on from the strange mark on his hip without a second thought. After a lot of thinking and only two near-meltdowns, Remus decided that he would do the same. He did not need a soulmate; it was all just some story anyways.

He was walking very decidedly down the hall towards Gryffindor Tower when a girl with pale skin and red hair stepped from behind the portrait carrying a handful of books. As soon as the girl’s bright green eyes met his, Remus was hit again. This time, the air filled with book pages, fresh sugar cookies, and summer rain. The girl was taken aback by whatever was blasting her senses, and scattered her books across the floor. 

“Are you alright?” Remus asked, helping the girl pick up her belongings.

“Thank you,” she replied, composure regained. “I don’t know what came over me. It was like a gust of wind made of old paper and chocolate came sweeping through the hallway.” 

“I guess that’s wizarding school for you,” Remus said with an empty laugh. The girl smiled and stuck out her hand.

“Lily Evans.”

***

The book said that soulmates were rare, but Remus had managed to find two of them in one week. He wondered whether his condition had anything to do with it. He had always expected lycanthropy to cancel out his chances of falling in love, not multiply them. Regardless, Remus knew that the only thing he could do was to forget that soulmates even existed and never show anyone the star on his hip and coin-sized bird under his collarbone. Over time, Remus almost did forget about the whole thing. He worked hard in school, messed around with his roommates turned friends, bonded more and more with Lily, and woke up alone in the Shrieking Shack once a month. When the other boys told Remus about their new abilities in fifth year, he was moved to tears. After their first night all out together, Sirius sat across from him in the library whispering on and on about it, eyes gleaming and smile wide. That was the first time Remus admitted to himself how he felt about his friend. 

“Can I tell you something?” Remus asked the next day, sitting in the courtyard with Lily. She set down her transfiguration scroll and noded. “I’m gay.” She laughed.

“I think we covered that second year,” she said. “You know, when you came out to me?”

“I know, but just remember that I am. Super gay.”

“Okay...” she laughed again.

“The thing is, when we met I know you felt something weird and found a mark by your collarbone because I did too. And that only happens when you...uh…”

“When you meet your soulmate?” He nodded grimly. “Remus, I already knew.”

“What?”

“You think a tattoo of a bird appeared on my neck and I didn’t look up why? There were a couple other things it might have been, but when I found the description of what it felt like, I knew.”

“And you aren’t concerned that your soulmate isn’t into girls?” Remus asked. She shrugged.

“Yeah, at first I figured I would fall in love with you and we would get married and have tons of kids, but I’ve known for a long time that that wasn’t why we were meant to meet. I don’t think that all soulmates have to be romantic. Some are just people who you are meant to love, and I do love you. I just don’t want to have your babies anymore.”

Remus considered telling Lily about the other mark, about Sirius. He did not because 1) Lily was not particularly fond of Remus’ other friends and 2) telling her would make his feelings real and he was not sure if he was ready for that. Of course, fate rarely waits for one to be ready.

***

It was nearly Christmas time in their sixth year. A prank gone too far had left Remus and Sirius both in a bad mood. Peter, James, and the rest of the Gryffindors avoided being around the two at all costs. After weeks of a mutual silent treatment, their anger boiled over as they prepared for the holiday. Eventually, all packing had been abandoned and they were arguing about things that had nothing to do with the original fight.

“Well not everyone gets to go home for Christmas,” Sirius shouted. “I get to spend the break with James and his parents instead of my own!”

“God, Sirius, not everything is about you! Everyone is tired of hearing about how terrible your parents are; we already know their son!” As soon as the words left his mouth, Remus regretted them, but seeing Sirius’ face made it a thousand times worse. “Sirius,” he said, voice soft now. “I’m sorry, you know I didn’t mean that.” 

The pain in Sirius’ expression was quickly replaced by angry resolution, but Remus was unable to apologize again because Sirius’ lips were on his. Every nerve in Remus’s body went off, yelling that this was it. Remus ignored them and pulled back, pushing Sirius away. 

“What the hell was that?” Remus yelled. Sirius just stood there, grinning. Had Remus really wasted six years wondering who his soulmate was and whether he felt the same? He was not going to wait another second, stepping forward to pull Sirius back into another kiss.

Meanwhile, James stood in the doorway whistling and clapping.

“It’s about fucking time.”

***

Having a soulmate had once seemed so impossible to Remus, yet here he was perfectly happy with both of his. Upon hearing that his tattoo was a symbol of their destined meeting, Sirius offered a, “Damn straight,” and resumed making out with his boyfriend. Lily was less than thrilled to find out who she shared a soulmate with (“He’s an idiot.” “Yes, but he’s my idiot.”), but she would find her own idiot to love in no time. The world was getting darker and darker every day, but Remus was the happiest he had ever been. 

Only a few short years later, he felt much less sure of his life. Turned down for countless jobs because of both his lycanthropy and sexual orientation, he lived off of James and Lily. Sirius became distant as the war took its tole on the marauders, and Remus being sent away on business gave them no opportunity to sort things out. He was turning in on Halloween night when a chill swept over his whole body. Hand drawn to his chest, he pulled aside the collar of his shirt and found the bird so faded he could hardly tell it was there. Three of the people he cared for most in the world were gone, and the man he loved was to blame. The war was over, and with it every aspect of his life. 

Remus lost himself. He became accustomed to loneliness, spending a decade constantly moving from place to place. He tortured himself with the knowledge of who he had fallen in love with. His soulmate was a traitor and a murderer. Remus accepted a teaching position at Hogwarts, hoping it might help to return to the only place that had ever felt like home, but there was not one spot in the castle that failed at bringing memories of the people he loved rushing back. James teaching Peter Quidditch out on the field, Lily laughing in the library, Sirius sprinting down the hall from whichever professor had caught them this time. His only joy came from finally being able to know Harry, but even then, every time Remus looked in the boy’s eyes, Lily was the one staring back at him.

The idea that Sirius was out and at Hogwarts was simultaneously horrifying and exhilarating. How terrible a person Remus must be to hope to see the man responsible for all his pain again. The man who orphaned Harry, who was trying to kill him. Sometimes, Remus could not believe that it was the same Sirius that he had spent hours planning pranks with, who always brought a cup of tea to their room after a full moon, who had cried when he was named godfather. Sometimes he wondered what had really happened to his dear Padfoot, though he never expected to stand in the Shrieking Shack with him again, this time accompanied by a handful of children. Remus never expected to be able to believe in love again, but there he was, listening to Sirius’ story and believing.

What followed was a summer of apologies and forgiveness. Something in Remus woke up, and he put everything he had into making up for the past. Lives cannot be lived only in the summer, though, and Remus and Sirius found themselves drawn back into a war that had never been over. They fought (the enemy and each other). They grew back into their roles as both soulmate and soldier. Remus watched Sirius grow close to Harry, and often found himself looking up with a smile, as if to say, “See, I told you he wasn’t that bad.” 

This time around, Remus and Sirius never lost faith in each other. They were sure who they loved until the very end. And when the end did come, Remus found himself lost again. With two faded marks, he knew that he had been matched long ago with loneliness. His duties in the Order became his life; fighting the war was all that made sense anymore. Remus was racked with guilt over not putting more effort into being there for Harry, but he knew that it was for the best. Nothing good ever happened to the people he loved.

But then it happened. The Order’s newest member was a bright-eyed girl with bubblegum hair, and as soon as Remus laid eyes on her, an all too familiar sensation swept over him. Sure enough, a black arrow appeared on each of their wrists, and Remus felt his heart sink. A young girl with her entire life ahead of her did not deserve a bitter gay werewolf as her soulmate. He avoided her at all costs, but Tonks was more determined than Remus ever could have expected. His eventual love for her was like that he had for Lily but different at the same time. They provided each other safety in a broken world, comfort when surrounded by loss, joy in a time of darkness, and above all, friendship. 

Before long, Remus found himself in a position he had never expected. First of all, he was married. Second of all, it was to a woman. There was no point in trying to explain the complexities of their relationship to the others, especially when Tonks became pregnant. The truth was that after losing everything, Remus had somehow found someone that allowed him to love and be loved again. And as any man with three soulmates knows, the key to love is friendship.

**Author's Note:**

> This spans from Marauders Era almost to the end of the books. I used the canon timeline for everything (I think!) with the exception of when Remus and Tonks meet, which I have happening after the battle at the Department of Mysteries.


End file.
